By Silas Nyanchwani
It keeps coming up;
Every other day, my male friends in the Diaspora, especially USA ask me, if it is prudent to come and marry a girl from Kenya.
A good number of them are in a funny situation.
Typically, they are in their 30s and some are in their 40s. They have had a failed relationship, and for some it was a proper heart transplant, they are still shaken. Nothing like a good schooling in character-development than passing through the hands of a conniving Nairobi/Kenyan girl. You graduate like a GSU cadet. Most of them have lost a great deal emotionally, their family (children) and even financially.
But hope is a stubborn thing. They are willing to try again. Now that they are wiser.
But picture this. You are a Kenyan man. Got a good job. Got some good paper in the bank. You are sharp and you have everything going for you. But you are in the country where you are essentially invisible, first of all as a black man, and secondly a black man from Africa.
To pair bond, what choices do you have?
You can marry a woman of a different race. But this is never the first choice as it comes with its fair share of misgivings and cultural mismatches. You can marry a Kenyan woman already in the States, but presently, Kenyan men and women in the Diaspora don’t get along romantically that much. You can marry an African American, but these marriages hardly work due to different cultural orientations. Good luck if you try an African from a different country that is not too westernized like Kenya. Often, it may work.
The common choice still remains, trying to get a woman from Kenya, preferably from one’s tribe.
The intentions are good. And pure.
But these marriages flop. Such marriages rarely work, 90% of the time in my estimation. That is a crudely high rate of a failure, if it was an institution, no parent will take their kid there, and such a school will be shut down. And the few that work, succeed mostly after the man has been humiliated typically through open infidelity that has seen a few men I know commit suicide or do worse.
The failure is often blamed on the man, for his rigidity since most women say that Kenyan men are too traditional for the Western society. And a variety of other reasons to justify their walking out of the marriages. Typically, this happens under 6 years of relocating her to the West.
It has left many men resentful. Most men feel cheated, they become bitter and very cynical.
There is usually the blaming, the name calling, but I blame men for committing a very avoidable error: Don’t ever think you can be an exception. Always learn from fellow men. All of them can’t be wrong.
These relationships collapse due to the visible hand of Hypergamy.
When you get a woman from Kenya, whether from a poor family, or a rich a family; moving her to the West, changes her life circumstances, usually for the better.
Once they arrive in the West, they mostly start from the bottom rung as they start climbing the ladder of the American dream. This invariably brings about a clash of ambitions, once the Kenyan woman discovers the freedom and the gynocentric nature of the western societies.
See, for men, ambition as a currency rises up to a certain point and then plateaus, depreciates or crashes. Typically, by the time a man is in his late 30s, he has figured out what he wants in life and what amount of energy to expend towards getting it. Save for men with political ambitions (office and politics), most men are contented with their job or their station in life after a certain point.
For women, ambition works differently. It appreciates and rarely depreciates. It only plateaus much later in life. Essentially men figure out the vanity of career and material prosperity (most men that is) that is why they step back or down. This is the reason up to recently, most men would retire and go to the village, but wives will rarely follow them up. Or why you now find old Kenyan women abandoning their husbands and joining their children in the US and resuming work even in old age.
So, if you are a man, making $80,000 a year, you are joined by your wife and you hope is that she will get a modest job and your combined income can help you raise a family and you both retire to Kenya…You are already off to a very bad start, man.
First of all, you will spend money getting her started. And once she starts to make her money, the trouble will begin. Your expectations for spousal cooperation on finances will be shattered from the word Jump. She has her priorities, personal and familial. Same way you want to build your dad and mum house back in Kenya, is the same way she wants to uplift her family. From here everything goes down. And boy, once you put her on a steady path of success, all of a sudden, she becomes a constitutional scholar, invoking all manner of rights that ultimately ward you off.
I know a good number of men who took women to the States, and they ended up being deported, and presently cooling their heels here in Kenya. In fact one of the regulars I drink with, a really cool man, came back in 2016. At 54, he is now looking for a wife.
The modern woman works hard for her money too. As a man, as you age, you realise the futility of it all and want to relax. For women as they age, sometimes they work even harder.
Two things happen here. She will push you hard to maintain the lifestyle. Or she will leave you to start on her own. And we know in America, a man is worth more in divorce than in marriage. But in a divorce, for most men, they care less about the loss of property than the loss of a wife, children, and the time. Because you can never make up for the lost time and children.
So, what choices do you have? From the outset, don’t ever be a rescue plan for any woman. I know it sounds heroic, chivalrous and a good traditional strategy to marry lower. This would work, maybe up to 1997. But since then, it is a source premium, platinum tears. Once such a woman gets wings to fly, she will fly away, you will become a monster, a narcissist and every label women use to justify their choices. Because hypergamy as we already know, doesn’t care. To her, you were a convenient ladder, and she will quit without any guilt or remorse.
These doesn’t excuse some men who are really horrible, but I am speaking to many good men I personally know. Men I grew up with, schooled with and I am sure, they will succeed in their future attempts at marriage.
What every man in the diaspora or elsewhere should know is that, the person you are marrying is a representative of their true self. And something women are so good at, is performing submissiveness where it suits them. Their true colours don’t emerge until later, usually after three years, often when they have their shit together. As good old Abe Lincoln said, anybody can withstand adversity, but give someone power to know their true colours.
Now that marrying down, or sourcing a woman from Kenya won’t work, what should one do. Because, man, don’t ever ever try to groom a woman in 2021 and beyond. Just have beer with fellow men and listen to their experiences, if you think I am just another bitter, grumpy, old man.
You can marry a woman your level. But such may run you like you are her son. And when she has softened you into a sponge, she will get pissed off and get tired of you. And may need a ‘stronger’ man.
The only other sensible choice is getting an older woman with a career. I know this is exactly counterintuitive, if especially, you want a family. But, in the present world, more so in the West, you can only get a woman who is ready to settle after hypergamy meets the famous wall. As I said up there, women’s ambition plateaus much later. So, since you have your cash, once you meet a woman who has her money and thinks she has enough to secure her future, you can risk with this one.
But there is no perfect advice. Figure it out yourself, even as you navigate life.
So, should you still come and source a girl locally? That is up to you because only you knows what you want in a woman. Just know grooming a woman with the hope of future cooperation for the sake of your family will not work 90 percent of the time. It is foolish. At worst, I insist, marry your level, or upwards. And while doing so, cover your ass man.
One thing you will learn as you age, it is never personal for women. It is always business. Every man should learn this at 18. That way, we will be more pragmatic with the women we want to choose and save yourself a few bad cardios.
My advice would be deal with statistics. There are definitely success stories you can learn from. But success stories are exceptions, not the rules.
Lastly, with this knowledge, you can still marry from Kenya and temper down your expectations and hope for the best.
The other final alternative is if you secure the bag and you have ambitions to start a family ambitions, relocate to Kenya and marry while here and stay here. At least, you can maintain the ‘standards’ without breaking your back.
Or do not to marry at all. Anything that has a 50% chance of failure (by American standards, is bad investment). Just know, women initiate 70 percent of the divorces.
Enjoy your money in peace bro. Marriage is not what it used to be.
All the best while at it.
Love you all guys and those troubled with love and marriage, keep your chin up. The sun always rises. Because one thing life guarantees us, is shit. We only get better at cleaning the mess and facing the next day.
Thanks for all men in the diaspora, more so, those who have bought my book and supported my ventures, even when we disagree. Keep the bonds stronger.