By Silas Nyanchwani
How come we never talk about toxic girlfriends or wives? Every day, I meet men who are really suffering in the hands of very toxic girlfriends and some are happily calling off such relationships. In fact, two close friends have recently called off their weddings that were weeks away.
For one of the friends, it was economical. He has a child from a previous relationship who has a delicate medical condition that has increasingly become costly to manage. As such, he requested the girlfriend that they shelve the wedding indefinitely until such a time they can afford. The girl stormed out of the relationship.
I knew that girl was trouble from the first time we met. She is the needy, demanding type, for whom the word compromise may mean poop in some Aborigine language. For the two years she dated my friend, my friend was not a happy man. When she visited my friend in Mombasa where the man works, she could not touch any household chores and would binge-watch and call for a takeaway. But in return, she wanted to be treated like a queen, taken to shopping, a wedding to boot. Imagine having your girlfriend over for an extended weekend, but you will have to make her breakfast, send her money to buy lunch, and take her out for dinner.
Now, my friend is a modern man and was not expecting that the girl will be there to cook and wash his clothes. But as a working man, with dependent an unemployed girlfriend, there some basics you expect. If she can’t wash the clothes, then she can arrange for a mama wa kufua. Any offer to cook always makes a man happy. And a woman who cooks at home, will never offend a man, if once in a while, asks for a takeout. It is the intention that counts.
But this particular girlfriend hated every form of household chore but wanted everything from the man. And any other responsibility. And even, she was very difficult with sex. Often, after the third beer, we always asked, what exactly is she bringing to the table?
Ask any average millennial who is married, what the wife brings to the table, and you will be shocked. Unlike in the West, where we want to copy everything where it is easy to split the bills equally, our version of educated women are good at short-changing men, but that neither here, nor there.
My other friend who called off his wedding, which was exactly three weeks away did so because the girlfriend was violent and threatened him with a knife when he came home late (10 p.m.) was that he was drunk. After a small altercation, she became so furious and physical. He canceled the wedding on spot. And a week later as I write, the girl has not apologized.
Now, I am not giving one-sided stories, without allowing the other women to tell their stories. We all know the characters I am talking about. Even when you allow room for feminine wiles, normal hormonal problems that swing their moods making them blow hot and cold, and other bad aspects of their gender, there are women who go overboard.
It is a category of women who are EXTREMELY unreasonable. They are like hurricanes.
So, how do you know that you are dealing with a very toxic girlfriend?
1. She is demanding.
Nothing you will ever do that will satisfy her. These are the women who force men to live beyond their means, the better if the man is henpecked or in love. They are supremely materialistic, and if one man will not satisfy her earthly needs, she can always take offers from elsewhere. There are many men in this Nairobi who can’t tell where their wives got iPhones from and how they are able to buy Brazilian weaves or afford the trips to Dubai with the girls. Ask them and they will gaslight you into thinking it is wrong to work for the government as a junior clerk.
To these women, there is nothing you do will ever be good enough. They will question the neighborhood you live in. They will question your car. They will question the furniture. Living with them is a race you will never win. You wake up in your 40s, to find them gone and auctioneers on your ass.
2. It is always their way, or the sulking never stops
Another trait of toxic women is that they must have their way, right from the color of pillowcases, to every single decision of your relationship. If she wants a wedding, she will take nothing less than a wedding. If she wants you to see her parents tonight, you have to see her parents tonight.
She hates criticism as she is perfect. Even among her female friends, they know how toxic she is, and they now keep a safe distance. She can quarrel she can break a glass and can be overly petty, petulant, childish and stupid when things don’t go their way.
But she will never stop criticizing you.
3. Crazily entitled
This one displaces all your friends and relatives and owns you like she owns her bad attitude. She will make all your decisions, everything you own has to be in her name. She will decide the names of the kids, and she listens to no one, but herself and a squad of Yes-girls who are afraid of telling that she is full of IT. She is not only entitled and controls you but everyone who is related to her.
4. Never acknowledges child support
There is a group of extremely evil women who will never acknowledge that they do receive child support from their exes or a baby daddy. Sometimes they live way above the pay grade of the baby daddy, and whatever little the baby daddy will send will be trashed even though, she accepts the MPESA without fail.
As an adult, the biggest discovery I have made is that women have an improbable capacity at dishonesty. If she has lived in Nairobi for more than 10 years, works and loves her wine or cocktail, that is a walking disaster.
Women lie to get money from men. Lie to get away with murder. Lie to hide the bad things they do behind your back. When I noticed that one of my exes was distracted, and I knew the boy (small world, we had a mutual friend who told me the other guy had declared war, that I will not win, as he was more liquid than all the Pacific), I confronted and she calmly told me never to be worried whatsoever…
“Aii, at mimi nani anikatie, si ungesema ata (Keven, Bryan or any hunk)…”
She gas lighted me and told me that she has no feelings whatsoever towards the man. She dumped me the following Tuesday and in some Kamba night in Carnivore, I ran into them kissing and hugging like I never existed.
It was a fair game. What bothered me, and what bothers me as an adult is the ability of a woman to lie with a straight face, feign tears (man, any time a woman feigns tears, I know she is about to pull a bigger scam on me than Jubilee) and transfer the guilt to you and you doubt your senses.
I have noticed once she has cried and you have forgiven her, she goes back to being normal in like 7 minutes. Man, the gods, really played us. Lately, I hate a female smile that precedes a request or favour, or the sight of tears.
There are other ways to know that you are dealing with a toxic woman, besides being egocentric.
But what I want men to know is that female violence and toxicity is so subtle, you never notice, until when it is too late. You will know you have a toxic wife when you prefer work or a drink than be anywhere closer to home. You will know when she withholds sex from you, maybe she ‘doesn’t feel your vibe’. Prolly, she may be sleeping with someone else, or no longer cares about you. Women often get too comfortable and it is hard to dislodge them.
It is all about how she makes you feel. If she makes you feel like poop all the time, where she minimizes all your achievement, where she does as she pleases, and she is not answerable to anyone but herself. But when you try to be answerable to yourself, she will still want to control you. E.g, say she makes her own decisions on everything, investments and such. She doesn’t want your contribution. But when you start yours, she wants to be part of it.
My friend DO said female violence is subtle and sophisticated. You have to be intelligent to pick these toxic habits earlier in the relationship. You never know until it is too late.
In the West, because of female toxicity, men are coming up with all manner of movements including, Men Going their Own Way, Incels and others that rule the darker sides of the web.
I have met men who are skeptical of female relationships and have resolved to live single, and if they want sex, they can always use commercial sex workers. Commonly, they stick to non-commitment relationships. They are healthy. They are happy.
Is there any type of female toxicity I have left out?
Have you ever dated or married a toxic woman? Is it something you would love to share so that other men can learn. Because men who are in love and determined to win a woman can be incredibly patient with bullshit from a woman. In the end they lose.