What do Kenyan Men in Diaspora Want in Women?


“Food, sex and silence,” Chris Rock said.

What do men want in women? It is an age-old question but not as complex, as what do women want? Women shift their goal posts recklessly, but men are quite specific with what they want.

For starters, it depends on what they want with the woman: a fling, just dating, or something to lead to marriage. And here expectations are unique to what he wants, and rarely does he confuse.

Flings are decidedly lustful and here a man goes for what strikes his fancy: if he is into a big ass, that is what he will go for. If he wants boobs, that is what he will seek. If he is into plump women, that is the fantasy to chase. If svelte women turn him on, that is what he will look for. And sometimes anything can work depending on how randy he is.

In dating, men tend to be more deliberate about their choices. Dating is an ideal scenario and can go both ways. Here he wants both the outer and inner beauty. Some element of infatuation here, some fun there, great conversations (this is so critical), especially for post-coital pillow talk. Never mind most men will fall asleep after a good lay.

During dating, men seek happiness. They want it all in a woman. A woman crazy enough to bring the boy in the man out. A woman he can go with for a night out, dance some shady Jamaican songs and come back for some great sex. In dating the sex ought to be mutually good to make the man drive across town for some.

Other additional stuff like cooking nice chapati or rolling some piece of ugali and kienyeji chicken like his mother goes a long way. But men are less judgmental about extras like cooking for women they don’t intend to marry, and they never mind eating junk.

During dating, men hate women who are overly fussy, demanding and clingy. When a man starts dating, they like having an exit plan and clingy women, however good their sex game could be, can be a source of migraine when leaving them. Because, for women, any relationship can lead to marriage, but for men, the rule does not hold.

In dating a man wants to see the feminine side of the woman. So how about that good dress. How about some well-done make-up? Can you bring your sexy, smile to the table? Would you stop ordering beer? Would you stop being overly aggressive.  Allow him to be chivalrous. Forget what Chimamanda says, have him pull the chair for you, open the car door for you. And please don’t open beer with your teeth, however much your Eastlands impulses push you.

In marriage, men are ruthlessly clear with what they want. Most want stability. Like women, they want someone who will be a responsible mother should he die (most men know they will die ahead of their spouses because, stress). Stable girls think of the education policy before they think of vacation.

Men want a woman who is intelligent enough to ensure children will survive if he dies and the first born is 8.

Respect is important. Respect to his friends, kin, especially his mother. If you serve his boys cold tea, if you don’t accord his mother enough respect, you are out.

Men also value women who can reciprocate their effort. They hate women who are childish, ever whining, ever playing games, pulling gazelle moves to enjoy unearned validation. For a wife a man is looking for his mother. A mother-like figure. Someone who can pick after him. Someone he can trust with home-making.

Dating a woman, you intend to marry is anachronistic in modern times. Most of the chores that our mothers did without blinking are frowned upon by millennials. But what a man wants to see is the intention. Do you have the idea what curtains can go to sitting room? Do you at least know how to cook the staple diet? Can you behave accordingly to your age?

Most men hate when a 32-year-old woman thinks of herself as girlfriend material, constantly proposing eating out to cooking at home. Constantly wants to hang out with the girls. You know those rudderless women with no sense of time…Those turn men off.

So, for a fling, it is physical. For dating it is both beauty and brains, and for marriage, the threshold for beauty is lower, but for behaviors, few men can compromise.

So, if a lady, ensure that you can offer more in terms of bodily comfort, read some books and watch some better sit-coms and flicks to have something for conversations and know the right time and place to suggest buying fast food. If you are at home and the kitchen is furnished, a man does not mind you treating him to some homemade, chicken and rice, as he goes to search for some wine.

You can select the music, and how you want it afterwards. As in, make him feel like a lion to unleash the dog in him.